Cold Flames

by Hydrangeaandtea

Content warnings: sick relationship, nightmares, gore/body horror in nightmares, some explicit descriptions

The meeting had started in the late afternoon, when the last rays of sunshine shone through the circular windows, but now the full moon was on the rise. It was watching after his friends, little bright stars, supported by them.

The hall, where the meeting took place, was large with many paintings on its walls. Each showed blooming flowers or caged birds and below every painting was a poem. They were all made by a single person, who had been under house arrest for a long time. That person was Nie Huaisang, the sect leader of the Qinghe Nie sect. He was different from the other Nie sect members, because he would rather make art than train with his sabre. However, that changed when his brother died.

---

His heart started to fill with grief and hatred. His dreams were not sweet anymore. They had changed into wild nightmares, in which he suffered from physical and mental pain. One time, he dreamed about a big old oak tree. Under it stood his brother who gave him a sabre with a scarlet ribbon. Huaisang did not want it. He was afraid of his brother, so he started running away. However, the scarlet ribbon tied around his wrist. The sabre would always be with him no matter what. He could toss it away but it would come back. He could hide away from it but it would always come find him again. Another nightmare was about his uselessness. He watched his brother’s body get torn apart. One arm, second arm, then a leg and the other one. He laid in his own blood. His lips curled into a painful smile, eyes wide open. Huaisang cried his name and fell onto his knees. Then Mingjue’s head fell off. It rolled onto the lap of his little brother, its eyes still open and watching. From his mouth came an unfamiliar gloomy voice: “You are only a good-for-nothing. Everyone you know is dying. And what can you do? Nothing! You are alone and you will always be on your own. You don’t even have your sabre with you. You have tossed it away.” The head began rotting. “You deserve no one! Because you can’t protect them. You are weak. Just a weak scared little boy.” The head vanished. Huaisang was now on his own in a dark gloomy forest. From the depths of the forest came harsh voices. “Weak! Pitiful little boy!” they laughed at him. “Good-for-nothing! Useless! Waste of space and food! Shame of the whole sect!” “Shut up!” Huaisang screamed.

He hit the ground with his fist. “Just shut up!” His tears dried. His body was trembling but he stood up and faced the darkness. “I’ll show you how I can protect others,” he bit his lip, “I’ll avenge you, brother. They’ll suffer just as much as you did. My hands will be covered in blood. My soul will be marked by this merciless action. This blood will never be washed away. It will be with me until I pay off my debt. It can be in the next life, or after thousands of years. It doesn’t matter to me. I’ll do it for you, for our sect, my beloved brother.” He smirked: “My sabre will be not in the closet anymore.”

---

Now he was a strong sect leader, worthy of respect. He wore his long black hair tied in a high ponytail with a golden hairpin. His eyes were full of cunning and vengeance. But somewhere deep in his eyes was also tenderness. He looked with softness in his eyes at the one person, who was his everything: his glowing light in the dark times; a warm flame heating his cold, broken heart; a sharp sword cutting through thick fog. He loved him with his entire soul, heart and body. However, he was too afraid to tell him his affection by words. He showed it to him through actions. Kisses, love bites, hickeys, touches and other confessions of love. That special person was Jiang Cheng, who did not understand feelings. For him, emotions were a mess. That heart of his was stone cold, but he could also be passionate. He loved the heat of Huaisang’s body. Skin to skin. Lips to lips. Huaisang’s hands on his waist. His warm whispers of passion. Huaisang’s lips, when they were moving down his chest, abdomen and between his thighs.

Despite everything they shared, Jiang Cheng liked to keep a distance between them when people were watching. For instance, instead of just ‘Huaisang’, he addressed him as ‘Sect leader Nie’. Huaisang did not like it, however, he just smiled and let it be. Inside his heart, doubtful questions arose: Does he not love me anymore? Has he never loved me from the beginning? Was I only a play-thing for his pleasure? Does he only love to lay with me? Does he just seek physical satisfaction and not a soul to complete his? Are we just two, or two who became one? Is he only doing this for me? What I want, I get. Or was I the only person around who could give him love?

In his spare time he wrote poems to make sense of his feelings. Sometimes he showed them to Jiang Cheng but he never understood. For him, it was only a poem without a deeper meaning. Another way Jiang Cheng ‘kept his distance’ was to sit in the back of the room, far across from Huaisang. For Jiang Cheng it was just a formal thing but Huaisang hated it. When it happened for the first time, he was really mad. He shouted at his lover, who watched him with confusion in his eyes. He tried to convince him to sit down next to him, but that started a big argument between them. Jiang Cheng didn’t have a clue why they were shouting at each other. Huaisang was yelling, so he was yelling too. After a while, Huaisang calmed down and smiled softly at him: “I want you by my side, however, if you don’t feel the same way then stay in your shady corner, dear A-Cheng.” This time was the same. Dear A-Cheng stayed in his dark corner. He was dressed in the robes of a Nie sect disciple which were in earthy tones with a golden pattern. He tied his hair in a bun, with two braids on the sides. A violet ribbon with embroidered lotuses graced his raven black hair. This ribbon was a reminder of the Yunmeng Jiang sect that would always be in his heart, no matter what. Lotus Pier had been burned to the ground. Its people had been massacred and the whole sect had stopped existing, but Jiang Cheng and his sister were alive, so the Yunmeng Jiang sect did not completely disappear.

In fact, it might not even be just Jiang Cheng and his sister. But Huaisang still wasn’t sure.

Huaisang sat on the podium behind a small ebony desk. His oaken folding fan lay on the maps of Wen territory. Sometimes he opened it and fanned himself with it. He felt hot, almost feverish; a small drop of sweat rolled down his forehead. He felt like his head was under a cruel Sun, his chest pressed by a hot iron and his abdomen filled with burning wood. He tried to fight it and show no weakness. This act was successful because everyone was used to their sect leader often playing with his fans. He let his hair fall loose over his shoulders and back. This was for hiding hickeys and scarlet burning spots. He had a bad feeling about them in the morning. He wore a robe in the Nie sect colours with a jacket without sleeves. The jacket was graced by golden patterns that resembled the Nie sect symbol, a horned beast. Next to him laid his sabre, Qiuniu, which rested in a scabbard embossed with gold. The pommel was in the shape of a lotus with nine petals, like the symbol of the Yunmeng Jiang sect. Huaisang was talking about the war strategy for the upcoming battle. Members of the Nie sect were listening carefully to him and sometimes raised their hands with a question or an idea. “If we attack from this direction,” he raised one of the maps and drew a line on it with his index finger, “we will have better access to the main gate.” Jiang Cheng stood up and started speaking with a serious expression: “With all due respect, Sect Leader Nie, I must say that I don’t agree with your strategy. It’s too risky, we could lead our attack from a safer direction than this.” It seemed like no one shared the same opinion with Jiang Cheng. Huaisang chuckled and stood up too. Everyone was thinking about where this could lead. “First of all,” Huaisang grabbed the folding fan with which he started walking from one end of the podium to the other, “to you, Jiang Cheng, I’m not the sect leader.” His gentle smile hid a storm. He sighed: “Second, I agree with you. It’s dangerous, but it’s a brilliant move.” He paused, his eyes trained on confused Jiang Cheng. Huaisang continued: “Our strategies are greater than Wen Guangyao’s. However, we can’t underestimate his genius. I’m sure that he would not expect that we would attack from this position, because he thinks we aren’t so foolish. But we are. We are silly little children playing a small game. Do you think wise men would start a war? Do you know how many women have lost their husbands? How many children have lost their fathers or brothers? We know, but we are still fighting for our prides. We want their blood on our hands, to avenge our fallen fathers and brothers.” He turned his head towards the pale moon: “Most of us forget that nature is suffering too. How much blood has the earth soaked up? She is weeping because of us, however we are not listening, are we? We are hurting Her with our cruelty to each other. Her tears are raindrops from heavy grey clouds which are slowly sailing on the sea of sky. The sky is looking after us from a distance, silently judging from afar. But when we make Him mad, He punishes us with a comet or a lightning. At that time He is loud and unmissable. And the earth is always with us. She is accepting our corpses, which are hugging with Her loving arms.” His heart was filled with silent tears, however, he kept his soft bright smile. “And what are we doing for them? Nothing. They are both disappointed with us, with their children, who are fighting for petty things. Shedding blood for nothing.” He turned his head to the audience and raised his fan: “I know the price of my debt and I’m willing to pay it. Pay it with my own blood or eternal punishment. I know my motives are foolish, I’m still a little child who is waiting for his older brother to come back. He was, for me, not only a brother but also a father. Sometimes he was cruel and furious but he still gave me brotherly love, I know that. His words didn’t tell everything, however, his eyes did. I want to avenge him. In this life, I’m doing black things like Milarepa did. However, he realized that his behaviour was bad. He had done black things, then he did white things. In my case, I’m still not on the Path to realize it. I’m blind. When will I open my eyes and see?” He tiredly put his hand with the fan down. “Forgive me, brother, for what I have become,” he looked directly into Jiang Cheng’s eyes. Everyone was taken aback by his speech and they started pondering about it. But Jiang Cheng only heard the first sentence. He was blinded by his anger, because he was scolded like a little kid and he did not like it. But manners were manners. He kept calm and focused on the war strategy. He could not yell in the meeting. His temper was short, still, he was not about to make a huge mistake. Not today. They could discuss that matter in private, that would be better. “Your speech was really interesting,” Jiang Cheng said with equanimity. “If you know these things then why are you slaughtering people? Why are you leading them into a war? I still don’t understand.” A dangerous light shone in Huaisang’s eyes but it quickly disappeared. Everyone noticed it. However, Jiang Cheng paid no attention to it and continued with his speech. “I understand your need for revenge, Sect Leader Nie. I also want the blood of Wens on my hands, yet I have never thought about it like you have. I knew some wise men with similar opinions and none of them wanted revenge. They only wanted peace. I look at you and all I see is a whirlwind.” All of these words were causing Huaisang a heartache. Jiang Cheng was only focusing on the surface and not the meaning behind it, why it hurt so much. An imaginary dagger was piercing through his heart. A stab, it’s painful, isn’t it? Another stab. Again and again. No blood was shed but his soul wept. Tear after tear. Jiang Cheng’s words were like poison which was spilt in his veins. It burned everywhere. He wanted to cry, to yell, to fall on his knees and beg for Jiang Cheng’s words of affection. He wanted to hide in his lover’s arms and weep.

“I'm not wise,” Huaisang replied with foggy eyes and tied his sabre to his waist. Then he walked off of the podium. “I'm not on the Path. I strayed away from it and went blind. My vision is full of blood. I bathed in blood. I'm a filthy demon who wants forgiveness after his death. I will be punished. The most evil thing of all is murder.”

He was was calmly walking between the tables. Everyone felt the sorrow of their leader. They knew that every member of the Qinghe Nie sect was stained by blood and would be punished after death. They danced with demons. It was a dangerous game which they played for a long time. They had to pay their debts. Something dark was glowing in Huaisang’s eyes which worried everyone. They saw in it the symptoms of qi deviation. The demons were seizing control. Everyone had respect for their sect leader, so they kept quiet. Huaisang stopped in front of Jiang Cheng. He did not recognize Huaisang in his eyes. There was a thick fog and sometimes little lights which looked like will-o’-the-wisps, dancing in the shadows. Dancing with wild noblesse. His eyes had lost their tenderness and that little something that only Jiang Cheng knew. Huaisang’s lips curled in a soft, poisonous smile. Jiang Cheng bit his lip and tried not to look into those dangerous, foreign eyes. “I apologize for my shameless behaviour, Sect Leader,” he said in a bitter tone. Again and again. The same address. The cruel soul of his Qiuniu was fueled by his sorrow, so it was time to play. Huaisang was fighting it with courage. It was difficult and tiring. He only wanted to lie on the ground and weep but this was not the right time. He could cry in his chambers. All alone with his demons with which he danced with. “I want to talk with you, in private,” Huaisang told him with a forced smile. “The meeting is over,” Huaisang turned to the members of his sect, “ Another meeting is going to be held tomorrow at the same time as today.” He tilted his head. “I'm really thankful for your hard work.” Everyone in the room bowed in respect. What a wise and polite leader, who had patience with others. Nie Mingjue would have been proud of him. Everyone believed that Mingjue’s soul was with them and watched his little brother grow up into a brave man.

They started to chat with each other. Meanwhile Huaisang’s hand moved to the hilt of Qiuniu and unsheathed it. When they were leaving the room, they heard the sound of wood being chopped. But this did not stop them from a joyful discussion. This was not their matter to deal with. It sometimes happened that furniture was destroyed when engaging in an argument. Jiang Cheng turned right and took a few steps backwards, because he wanted to be closer to the doors, just in case. “Why?!” Huaisang whispered and cut one of the ebony desks in half. Darkness was dancing around Qiuniu like group of fireflies swaying in summer nights to the rhythm of the wind. “Why are you pushing me away?!” he exclaimed in rage. Another ebony desk was destroyed in his anger. Jiang Cheng was standing tall with all his pride and crossed his arms. His eyes were saying, “If you want to fight me then do it.” Huaisang was holding his robes with his left hand. Qiuniu was glowing with darkness in his right hand. “Why are you hurting me, Jiang Wanyin?!” Huaisang screamed again. Nobody heard them. They were all alone. Confused and prideful Jiang Cheng and broken-hearted, qi deviating Nie Huaisang. The moon was watching them through the circular window with the symbol of the Nie sect. Stars were blinking at them. Leaves were singing a song of pain, trust and love. Jiang Cheng did not understand. Huaisang was blindfolded by the anger of the sabre's soul. Cruel soul. He wanted everything. “I want him, take him, master,” whispered the soul to him, “he is ours only. Our plaything, don’t you think? If you want to kiss him, then do it. If you want him bare, then rip his clothes off. Mark his skin with your kisses, bite marks... Don’t be shy, master.” Huaisang fought with him. He did not like him. However, he was only watching from afar. He wanted to stop him, he really wanted to. But... “Skin to skin,” started Huaisang, “lips to lips. My mouth full of you. Was it nothing? Then why were you begging me for more? For me to kiss you, to hold you in my arms, to whisper in your ear words of love, to hold you by your waist and...” He sheathed his sabre, but darkness was still surrounding it. “Please be silent, Huaisang!” Jiang Cheng shouted. Then everything became clear. Oh... He was suffering from qi deviation. What could he do? Screaming was not a good solution, probably. Huaisang stepped closer to him, his whole body was trembling. Jiang Cheng started to worry about him. He spotted the lust in his golden eyes. He had to calm him down. “A-Sang,” he addressed him softly with a worried small smile, “please, calm down.” Huaisang stopped. “Master! Don’t stop! He is only fooling you,” screamed the soul of Qiuniu, “don’t trust him. He is only playing with you.” Huaisang fell to his knees. Tears shimmered in his now tender brown eyes with sadly dancing will-o’-the-wisps. “Please, stop,” he whispered with despair in his voice, “please, Qiuniu.” “I thought you were a fearless grown-up man, not a crying little child,” laughed the soul, “I’m really disappointed in you, master.” Huaisang saw a shadow behind Jiang Cheng grabbing his throat. He heard Qiuniu’s laugh, his harsh voice. “Don’t you like how he pleases you? On his knees with lust in his beautiful, wild eyes? You can take him. Listen to your desires, master.” The shadow caressed Jiang Cheng’s throat. “What we want, we take. The Nie sect is like that and you can’t do anything about it.” “Get away from him!” Huaisang screamed at him loudly. Jiang Cheng was confused. To whom was he talking? Huaisang reached for Jiang Cheng with his trembling hand. The light in his eyes went dark. His brown eyes were full of fear and suffering. His head, chest and abdomen were burning, so he opened his upper robes. The jacket fell down from his shoulders and with fast movements he removed the upper part of his robes. Jiang Cheng stopped breathing because of what he saw. The skin of his chest and abdomen was painted with red stains. His breaths were fast and shallow. The shadow laughed and disappeared. Jiang Cheng kneeled next to Huaisang but he was pushed away by him. “Stay away from me! I’m begging you,” his tears were endless and his voice was shaking like leaves rustling in the wind, “I don’t want to hurt you or let him hurt you.” “Please, let me help you,” Jiang Cheng said with guilt in his voice. He was ruthless, and this had happened because of him. He took his head into his palms: “A-Sang, you are not alone. I’m here with you.” Huaisang bit his lip. He felt safe with him by his side. Darkness couldn’t get to him when he was with Jiang Cheng. “Why aren’t you running away?” he asked him. Jiang Cheng was angered by this, so he rather said nothing and softly kissed him on the lips. Then he put his hand on one of the red spots. It was burning. This was really bad, so he decided to take him somewhere with water. He stood up and took him into his arms. “Stay still, or you are gonna end on the floor,” he said, but he didn’t mean it in a bad way. He wasn’t really good with sweet words. In fact, he was terrible with them. Huaisang was quiet. Jiang Cheng walked out of the doors into the starry night. Small lanterns were throwing soft red lights at the stone walls and small houses. Everything was silent. The wind was not blowing. Jiang Cheng hurried with his beloved one, because he did not want him to catch a cold from the ruthless weather of Qinghe. Huaisang was resting in his arms, his head on Jiang Cheng’s shoulder. “From a pot of wine among the flowers, I drank alone. There was no one with me,” Huaisang recited softly with his sight on the dark sky. His voice was singing. “Till, raising my cup, I asked the bright moon to bring me my shadow and make us three. ” Jiang Cheng hoped for Huaisang to get better. This was a good sign. He carried him to his chamber. Huaisang’s room was full of poetry and paintings. He put him on the big carved oak bed. “Wait for me here,” Jiang Cheng said softly and kissed him on the forehead. Huaisang just nodded. Jiang Cheng ran for a bucket of water. Meanwhile, Huaisang untied his sabre from his waist and put it next to his bed. “I’m back,” Jiang Cheng said and took the bucket of water to him. He put it on the ground next to the bed. He put a piece of clothing in the water and then he cooled the red marks with it. Huaisang closed his eyes. But in the next moment he kicked the bucket and stood up. “Why?!” he yelled. Jiang Cheng was confused. He did nothing wrong? Then why was he raging? “A-Sang, sit beside me,” he told him with an imperative tone. “Oh,” the fog appeared in his eyes again, “why would I do that? Do you love me?” Jiang Cheng tried his best to be patient, but it was really hard. “I love you and now sit here.” “You can’t order me to do that,” Huaisang laughed harshly. He walked back to the bed and pushed Jiang Cheng down. Jiang Cheng watched him with disbelief and confusion in his eyes. Huaisang chuckled. He gave him a kiss which was full of passion and hunger. He wanted him. But Jiang Cheng wasn’t sharing his opinion. This was not Huaisang, so why would he sleep with someone else? “Get off me!” he ordered him. But Huaisang was not listening, so Jiang Cheng decided to use force. He shook him off and pinned him to the bed. “You are qi deviating, so take it more seriously.” Huaisang was wandering through the land of the darkness. He heard everything, but he could do nothing. His emotions were not listening to him. He was only their puppet. He tried to force them under his control. The fog started to slowly dissolve and small lights appeared. He was so tired, too tired to think. He closed his eyes and whispered. “Good night, my love.” Jiang Cheng was confused when he saw how fast Huaisang fell asleep. One moment he was burning with lust and after a few seconds he was sleeping. Jiang Cheng’s brain did not understand it. He sighed and let go of him. He sat next to him, so he could check his temperature. He put his hand on Huaisang’s forehead. Good , it was not burning anymore. Jiang Cheng smiled lightly and moved Huaisang, so he now had his head on the soft cushion, then he covered him with a blanket. Jiang Cheng changed into his night robes. He cleaned the spilled water, then he lay on the bed. He held Huaisang in his arms. He buried his face in Huaisang’s hair which smelled of jasmine flowers. He caressed his back. An idea formed in his mind. He pulled away his head and started to sing. The song was taught to him by his father who sang it when he was ill. The song was old. Some of the words were not used anymore. His singing was not good, but he did not mind. Only night heard it. The song of warm sunshine, sweet fragrance of flowers, sound of flowing rivers. “Good night, my love,” he kissed Huaisang’s forehead, “please, get well.”