Hear My Confession

by April

There was nothing preventing him from visiting Mingjue any day he wished, but Nie Huaisang made a point to pay his respects to his brother on each full moon. He was surprised to have made it to this particular one.

He stayed knelt in front of the altar until the incense burned away. Then he rose and headed outside. He paused once he arrived at the stone path leading to his estate. He lingered under the trees, watching as moonlight shone down from above. Like Jiang Cheng, the moon could reach him, but Huaisang couldn’t reach back. Not any more. He’d lost the right to do so or had that right been stolen from him? Was there a difference if the result was the same?

Somewhere past the trees, Jiang Cheng was lurking, keeping Huaisang safe for reasons that remained unclear. Huaisang neither deserved nor craved it, but still he had more protection than he needed. An end, no matter how abrupt or cruel, would have been preferable to this continual suspense. He was done fighting now, anyway, and nothing was left. Well, until some new threat decided to attempt to succeed where the Wens had failed.

“Will I ever see you again?” he wondered aloud. “Would you allow me to be near you?”

Did you ever want that? Were you ever really mine? But he kept these thoughts to himself.

Huaisang rubbed his chest, at old scars that had long-since healed. He could feel them still.

“I have many regrets,” he said, gazing up at the sky. The moon seemed to stare down, round and silver. Just another silent observer, but one that didn’t judge him at least. “You probably don’t care.”

He paused, waiting for a sound of some kind. Any sound would have done the trick, but nothing came. It was a disappointment but not a surprise. Jiang Cheng could remain undetected unless he wanted to be found. The likelihood of him wanting Huaisang to find him was remote at best.

“This is to be a time of prosperity and peace… but I have neither of those things because I don’t have you,” Huaisang said, looking down to the path beneath his feet. He trudged along for a bit, listening for the slight sounds Jiang Cheng made as he followed.

Then Huaisang sat in front of an old stone fountain. No answer came so he continued the conversation on his own. “Don’t say it,” he insisted, eyes cast towards the moon. “Don’t say I just need another weapon. I don’t. I need you and losing you has been hard to bear.”

He sighed heavily, wringing his hands. “Yes, I know it’s my own fault for not realizing so much of what I needed was there between you and me… If I could go back with the clarity I have now, I would have treated you differently. I would have protected you so that you didn’t need to look after me.

But everything I did was for us— For you…”

Huaisang took a deep breath then hesitated. There was just a little more left to say and he hoped Jiang Cheng was still listening. Even so, the words would cause even more regret. Once uttered, they could never be taken back and he had no idea what Jiang Cheng would do with them.

“You can stop watching and protecting if what lies between us doesn’t matter. You have everything back that I took from you. Whatever I have of yours is something you’ve left me.”

Huaisang stopped for a moment, listening and hearing the slight rustle of leaves in the distance. He wasn’t sure how Jiang Cheng would react to the rest of his confession, but he wouldn’t stop him from making it.

“You don’t owe me anything, A-Cheng. I don’t want anything you would owe me. I want something freely given. Like the way Zidian felt when you placed it in my care. I want that warm trust back. I want you back. I would give all of myself to you, Jiang Wanyin.”

“Because I think I love you,” he whispered. “Because I do love you.”

In the distance, the wind picked up and the trees rustled. One shook slightly more than the others and a dark figure all but tumbled out of it. Because Huaisang could react, the figure dashed off, sprinting into the darkness and then farther away.

Huaisang closed his eyes, listening to the trees and the water pouring steadily behind him. “I’m sorry,” he added quietly. “I hope you find what you are looking for.”