The Heaven of My Hell

by Despair

Content warnings: hallucinations; slight self-harm

Useless! Insensitive, without sense and without shame! Ravenous and useless! That had been me, a child with wings as big as a blade and feathers as fragile as glass. Once fearful, insecure and helpless. They whispered through the streets when they saw my presence, walking delighted with the eye. I, the leader of the Qinghe Nie sect, famous for being the young man who had lost his brother, known for inheriting the role of sect leader, but above all: recognizable for being Red Blade Master’s brother. Ravenous and useless, they had exclaimed in their heads! With their mouths! In their eyes! I could hear the thought that they had about me, I felt clogged in the place.

Heat... Heat I felt and that caused me to remove from my place which I was. The fear in me only grew when those eyes were fixed on me, only on me, that unfortunate and useless boy with nothing but broken dreams. I stepped away. With deep footsteps I approached my destroyed home... As destroyed as my dreams, as destroyed as my life. The servants upon seeing me lowered respectfully their heads, causing me to feel a tightness in my chest. I felt so lonesome and unhappy, in this big house where once two brothers used to live. A strong older brother who was fated to accomplish great things, that one who took care of his little brother with glass wings. And a younger brother with those wings, wings that he couldn't take care of himself and which he couldn't fly through the winter.

A war would come soon and that would mean more stress on me. A war would come soon and that would mean a bloodbath. A war would come soon, and the guilt would gradually eat me up, delicious and slow enough to devour me alive until my bones turn to dust.

A war would come soon.

And Jiang Cheng would stay the same.

I arrived at the brightest room in the place I once called home and gave orders not to be disturbed. My legs trembled as I closed the door behind me, and I collapsed onto the floor. My golden hairpiece fell to the floor, causing my long hair to swirl forward into my vision. My arms rested on my knees and my sight was frozen. I could see nothing and hear only the song of the bird I had picked up long ago.  I squeezed my jaw, but it still trembled. I felt pathetic. Even when I tried to express an emotion through a gesture, it was pathetic. My arm went up and my hand landed on my eyelids, closing them, and through this action I released a strange sound. A noise came out of my lips. How unfamiliar and improper of me. It was a sound whose name I could not say. A laugh or a sob? Joy or sadness?

But then I realized that the tears shed were from both. I rejoiced in the cry of my restless sadness. I had never felt anything like this before.

"Oh, what pain! What pity!"

"Nie Huaisang himself rejoicing in his own agony! Somebody save him!"

But I only exclaimed this to my own mind. The truth was that nobody was going to save me from myself. No one, because I was alone, because I had been too weak to endure the strain. Because of that, Jiang Cheng had left. Because of that, I felt lonely and scared.

Scared of losing him.

Scared of never seeing him again.

Slowly I turned my head away at a proper distance and then I saw my hand fan. I laughed when I saw the painting. Is this a sign that he’s leaving this world? This is a sign that everything is my fault, isn't it? I want to cry. Why don't I cry then? I want to die. Why don't I die then? I want Jiang Cheng back. Why don't he come back? I want to shout. Why doesn't my throat even know anything? I want to break me up. Oh wait, I'm already breaking myself into pieces. Oh wait, I'm already dying little by little. Oh wait, I'm already crying. Oh wait, I'm already screaming. Oh wait, Jiang Cheng hasn’t returned! Rising from the hunched floor, my legs still shaking, I put one foot in front of another with the intention of returning to my room and sleeping, however; I couldn't do it because I'm so good-for-nothing that I don't even know how to walk. I tried to hold on to the high table where my bird was, but my muscles were so weak... I couldn't stand up; I fell, pulling the cage down with me. The cage opened and by an act of nature, that pet which I fed and saved flew away.

My head was affected.

Memories I lived in it.

Memories that I will never live in flesh and blood.

"Huaisang, you're definitely useless!" I could hear the voice of my own half older brother. The only time I heard him say useless to me, the only time I lived such beautiful but sad memories with him.

"Forgive me, big brother! Forgive me! Huaisang won't do it again..." I remembered how I rubbed my eyes covered in tears. I felt my own misery that was hidden in my pain, that pain throbbing in my ankle. My brother was bandaging me that area, his touch so gentle that I couldn't help but keep crying.

"Stop crying! Now, how are you supposed to walk back to the Unclean Realm, huh?" I withdrew from the tears I had in my orbs and watched him, my nose red from the tears, something that was normal for me when I cried.

"If only dage carried me..."

His silence was the funniest. However, it was the only option to return both of us home. I heard him sigh and without hesitation, he carried me on his back, and I held on tight to my older brother. To be a 15-year-old boy, he was quite intelligent though demanding, but it was to be expected. He started walking with me on his back and I remember that time; I could not help smiling. Resting my head, I closed my eyes, glad to have someone protecting me.

"B-Big brother... Please, please come back to me. Your little brother, he feels sorry," I whispered almost extinct and nervous words. I felt dizzy, caught in place, like I wanted to leave. "Why did you leave me this weight if you knew how useless I am? I... I am not you." I laid my hands on the ground, squeezed my right hand which held my fan pan.

I could feel a certain presence flooding the great hall, my older brother standing in front of me... Looking at me with that typical severe, emotionless face, with that frown, with those negative thoughts about me.

"Where is your sword?"

I do not know.

"Huaisang, answer me. Where is your sword?"

I never mattered to you.

My feet moved toward him but I stumbled, managing to catch myself on the pedestal. A vase on top rocked from the impact and fell, but I caught it in my hands.

"Where is your sword?!"

He yelled at me.

"I do not know!"

I threw the vase, but it was towards nothing; the image of my older brother disappeared. The sound of something breaking was never pleasant to me, always a reminder of the times my brother and I fought. I always used to wonder when I was going to pass my exams, when I was going to get a saber... I had high expectations of myself, but since I am useless and unhappy; I'm just a shame.

What fun! I'm a shame!

How should I feel? Bad? Good? Should I laugh?

A low laugh I let out, the hand where I had my fan on my right hand, it went to my face where I covered my eyes that began to bring melancholy showers to me. However, there was no sadness in my tears. These were no tears of sadness or resentment, these were happy tears of agony and pain, embarrassed laughter that rose every time while a river of tears flowed forth.

And while my heart rumbled, my mind filled with a solid white color.

And as long as there was no more joy, sadness abounded.

"Huaisang" I heard another voice. This time I covered my ears.

“Hear no evil. Thou shalt not listen to the evil.”

"Nie Huaisang" I could hear a memorable voice, that voice made me feel relieved. I couldn't help looking up to the voice’s owner.

“See no evil. Thou shalt not look at the evil.”

"Jiang Cheng... Jiang Cheng... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." I muttered. My fan fell to the ground, my back arched, my palms touched the ground and my knees began to move. I wanted to approach him, I wanted to touch him and apologize to him for being rude the last time we met.

“Speak no evil. Thou shalt not speak to the evil.”

As I approached him, he moved away. With each movement I gave, the closer I got his transparent and lucid figure that didn’t want to get close to me. As soon as I got up with a little effort. I felt as if I had bloomed how much flower in spring and I smiled. My smile gradually faded as I watched Jiang Cheng, who turned his back on me and began to walk far away from me, an anxiety flowed in my heart. He could not leave; I didn’t want him to leave me...

"Jiang Cheng!" I yelled his name as I started running trying to reach him, he went through the doors, I opened with both hands tightly. He led me to my room. "Jiang Cheng! Please wait!" I called him several times asking him to stop.

So clumsy and useless people reasoned. So clumsy and useless, everyone bellowed. I stumbled with my own feet and I felt pain in my ankles, my fall was deadened with the mattress of my bed. I let out a tired sigh. My eyes went to the silhouette that was just watching me with severe eyes, as if he felt sorry for my person. I trembled again and a new desire to cry came to me, and the tumult of sensations left me deaf. I was sick, I felt sick with agony, I felt miserable. My throat ached, it hurt so much that I couldn't help letting out sobs... Disoriented sobs, sobs that burned my skin.

"Jiang Cheng..." I muttered raising a hand wanting to take his cheek.

I didn't know what was real and what was imaginary at this time.

A shiver I felt again and when I turned my eyes to another part, another sob I let out. A sob that dried my throat and the words died out just like a flame. My older brother was also by my side, I could see those red eyes, those scars marked on his neck, his clothes stained in crimson. He held Baxia.

"Dage, Jiang Cheng..." I buried my head in my hands hiding my face. "What should I do now...?"

Down, Down I felt.

In this world I was just a shameful person. In my room I kept crying, Jiang Cheng and Dage’s presence made me feel more despairing, even when Jiang Cheng's hand approached my face as he called my name, I simply responded aggressively like the earlier time I reacted abruptly. I pulled it away with my hand and as he was transparent, he did not leave. With angry I took Qiuniu as I pointed at him, I was getting tired of the presence of both.

An almost non-existent laugh came out of my throat. Because my throat was dry, I coughed and my sword came down feeling like my ears couldn't hear anything but voices. The voices of my irrational thoughts, voices that I only knew. My vision blurred, I lower my gaze and making the effort to see Qiuniu, I felt my arms itching.

Those voices were asking me to keep my skin near the edge of my saber, I listened to them, a scream in the distance I heard however I ignored it. It was much better to pay attention to my thoughts than listen to the voices of my older brother or Jiang Cheng. Absorbed in the sickness of my agony, I kept laughing, the voices accumulated and became a tumult. Something that was not lucid for me. I couldn't distinguish all the voices even though I knew it was my tone of voice.

The edge ripped my skin gently, my arms began to stain red ink that fell to the ground. My breathing became erratic when I felt alive. The stabbing pain in my blood was a lively feeling of emotions, I heard applauses that without stop became awful for my ears. I complained but they didn't stop. My saber fell just as my knees touched the ground, my head repeatedly denied, and I begged to those voices to stop. My sight gradually looked white, the pain was intense.

Oh, lord of mercy. I have sinned and got sick.

Oh, lord of mercy. I've seen things that nobody can see.

Oh, lord of mercy. I have heard uncertain words, lies and blasphemies from hell.

Oh, lord of mercy. I have said these same blasphemies that deserve to stay in hell.

In tears that flowed like a river, the sunset light I could see from the wide window. My arms were burning, I was burning, my laughter was burning like incense, but my sobs of pain were burning like a thousand hells.